And how to discover what is true to you.
You think you know what you want.
But you actually don’t.
Here’s why you have the illusion of knowing what you want, but it’s making you more lost than ever.
Think about the things you want.
They might be:
Have you ever asked yourself WHY you want those things?
You might be able to come up with justifying answers, but then I would ask:
Where did those desires come from?
That’s a much harder question.
Did those desires come from within you? Or are they things you were told you should want?
Coined by René Girard, mimetic desire is when our desires are informed by what we see others have or want.
Girard wrote: "Man is the creature who does not know what to desire, and he turns to others in order to make up his mind. We desire what others desire because we imitate their desires."
Now, imitation isn’t bad. There is great utility to imitating other people’s desires:
Survival.
If you were dropped into an indigenous tribe whose culture and environment you are completely unfamiliar with, your mind would be constantly plagued with the question: What should or shouldn’t I be doing?
And the best way to figure that out would be to imitate. You would pay attention to:
Imitation is a fundamental mechanism to ensure our survival and flourishing.
In a way, breaking away from the herd stems from a position of having all your psychological needs met. You couldn’t bear to do so otherwise.
The problem is:
Many people are still functioning from a place of survival.
They look to others to tell them what goals to have because they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves otherwise.
They don’t know what game they’re playing so they look to others for the rules.
On top of that, the entire advertising industry bombards us with messages about what we should want.
And our families do the same thing.
You know what NO ONE is helping you do?
Figure out what YOU want.
Figure out what game YOU are playing.
No wonder you are lost and unfulfilled! You’re playing someone else’s game!
You first need to understand which of your desires aren’t actually yours but are either imitations or were taught to you.
This requires deep self-reflection.
Cross those off the list.
What remains?
Are you shocked by what is left? Or the lack of it?
This is the hard work.
Start with identifying your values.
Desires vs. Values
Values are deeper. While desires are emotion-based, values are conviction-based.
For example, if someone in need is in a bind, I would willingly make uncomfortable sacrifices to help them. Not because it gives me good emotions, but because it’s my conviction to do so.
With enough discouragement, desires can be discarded. But no amount of opposition can turn away a deep value you possess.
Discover your values. They will lead you to your true desires.
When the founding fathers drafted the Great Experiment, they united on the value of freedom. How did they arrive at it?
They saw what the world was like without it. And they believed it’s a right bestowed from heaven.
They believe in that value so strongly they fought for it through blood, sweat, and blisters.
They knew what they wanted. They knew what game they were playing.
Do you?
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When you know your values, identify what kind of things will make that vision a reality. Those will be your goals.
These goals won't be the kind those productivity gurus will tell you about. They will originate from within and eventually birth something bigger than yourself.
Multi-passionate creative and cultural philosopher. I love talking psychology, culture, education, and anything else that deals with living as better people.