Perfectionism isn't a harmless, immutable personality trait. It's a symptom.
Along with OCD, anxiety, and depression, perfectionism is one of those things that people use off-handedly to explain their behaviors.
It’s often chalked up as “Oh, it’s just my personality.”
And somehow because anything that is “part of my personality” is assumed to be unchangeable, we are supposed to accept it.
We’re not.
Perfectionism is not a harmless, immutable personality trait. It’s a symptom.
(By the way, perfectionism is not the same as OCD. They have some overlapping behaviors, but their underlying causes are distinct.)
So let’s think about what happens in your mind when you are being perfectionistic.
What are you thinking? What are you feeling?
Maybe it’s a painting you’re working on, or a book, or a social event you’re hosting.
But it needs to be perfect. The painting is never done. The plot is never just right. The centerpieces are never centered enough.
What is the underlying emotion?
You tell me…
It’s fear.
Anxiety.
Interesting right? And the question is why.
What are you afraid might happen if something isn’t perfect?
If the event doesn’t go according to plan?
If we run out of champagne at the party?
If someone doesn’t think the story is good enough?
What might happen?
They might not love us.
They might not accept us.
They might be disappointed in us.
They might think we are full of crap and will want nothing to do with us.
It’s a fear of rejection. A need for acceptance.
That’s the root of perfectionism.
And you know this if you are in a loving relationship or have friends who are ride-or-die.
When you know that you are loved and accepted no matter what, notice how free you are.
Free to fail,
to look silly,
to dance like a turkey,
to burn dinner in the oven,
to throw up in the toilet with an ugly belch.
Love casts out fear.
Acceptance heals perfectionism.
With this understanding, you can heal your need to be perfect by starting with an acceptance of yourself.
Recognize that you are attaching your worth to other people’s approval.
Once you heal the desperation for approval, you can then build healthy relationships where you are truly and fully accepted.
And watch your perfectionism disappear.
Multi-passionate creative and cultural philosopher. I love talking psychology, culture, education, and anything else that deals with living as better people.